Fuck the past. Make love to the future.

There was a bomb threat in London yesterday – announced at noon – and this altered my day somewhat.  This sparked a chain reaction of things that allowed me to come to a revelation yesterday evening which I guess I always secretly knew but I did not express it to myself properly until then. 

 It was an hour or so later that I learned that the dissident Irish republic were linked to a planned attack on London and informed, ‘by code’ that there was a bomb in a location in London.  [I was secretly jubilant for the reasons that for once it was not a ‘Muslim’ militant group]  What I then did was informed my sister who works in central London not to take the underground home – instead I will come and collect her from somewhere.  We agreed on this and she informed the rest of her co-workers to exercise vigilance while on their way home.  It was being glorified – and rightly so.  It is a threatening position to be in after all.   

Meanwhile, my mother had called me for a quick chat and I asked her how her day was.  She informed me that one of her colleagues had been diagnosed with cancer and he has recently started chemotherapy.  I felt bad for him.  It is something I wish upon nobody – despite what people may think!  She told me she was going with a close family friend.  My mother’s friend is also mother to children who I used to be very close with however; recently I can’t help but feel our friendship is soured.  A reason unbeknownst to me but, I think I may have an inkling into why which I will later explain. 

I have decided not to get in touch with them at all.  Just leave them be and I will do my own thing because whenever I get in touch with them I always seem to come out looking like the asshole (see blog Tell ‘em hug and kiss my ass, X and O) or just ignored.  So I am thinking fuck this.  Wouldn’t you?  Bless my mother; she began to tell me that it was not the right way to handle the problem.  My mum thinks I should just call them up and be a little more assertive and get to the root of the problem and nip it in the bud. 

Unfortunately I had to leave the conversation as I was running a little late to get my sister.  During my drive to Marble Arch I thought it was strange that my mum had called me at this point during the day.  I think she was calling to make sure we were alright as – no doubt – she would have heard about the bomb threat.  I was a little taken aback with her suggestions and I thought why is it that everyone always expects me to be the ‘bigger man’?  I am not the one that looks for drama – drama always, always finds me and then I have to make amends for it.  Don’t get me wrong – if there is a time when I need to make apologies for something I have done wrong I will.  I will hold my hands up and in all honestly offer my sincere apologies.  When I have done nothing wrong I will not apologise.  

Meanwhile, after having picked up my sister we both realised that the car felt funny….PUNCTURE!  I have changed a tyre before and I did it again.  This is because I am a manly man and there is not a god damn soul in this vicinity that can prove otherwise.  Between trying to co-ordinate my sister and changing the tyre itself I began to think about my most recent few years back at home.  Of late, I have not really been one to dwell on the past.  I used to always think “If I had done this differently…..” and I am guilty of wishing I had made different decisions in the past. I realised that if I was to constantly think about what could have been rather than focus on what is, I will quickly lose my mind.  After my discussion with my mother I was reminded of a time of when I was back at home and an incident occurred where a group of ‘close friends’ questioned my word, integrity and friendship.  I was – by them – considered a liar because I shared some great news with them (in the hope they would share my excitement).  After shit hit the fan, I didn’t really know what to do.  It was quite painful.  I always knew that it was going to leave a deep scare and I questioned whether things could go back to normal.  Holidaying together, countless nights out, highs and lows, banterful chat, deep philosophical conversations, poker nights – everything.  It triggered this memory because without realising it at the time I had become very paranoid after I was accused of lying.  I felt under so much more scrutiny, my every move, everything I said and did.  I honestly felt like everyone was looking at me differently.  I felt like public enemy number one as this occurrence had spread like wildfire.  Some mutual friends changed their attitudes towards me.  My mother’s friend’s children are some of a few people who seem to have changed with me.  It really annoyed me because I had done nothing wrong.  Thankfully on the advice of my close friend – I ignored it.  I just kept my head down and lived well.  It was the best thing I could do. 

I guess this is why I did not like my time in X.  The city itself will always have a soft spot in my heart and I will always hold it dear.  I had some of my best experiences, I grew up there, great memories but, most importantly some of the best people in my life I found there.  I always used to say that it was a shithole but, I guess that feeling I had after that event was a catalyst for me to get the hell out of there.  I did not realise this until yesterday.

Even when I bump into certain people I really need to watch what I am saying because I still get that feeling.  Maybe I should just live up to my dickheaded status and become and ignorant wanker?  Well, now I think I will put that status to rest as I am in a good point in my life. 

Much love,

Jackson L.