It is all wonderful.

Well aren’t I a lucky dude?  I have a shit load to look forward to in the coming weeks.  My research project is taking a small, baby step in the right direction.  It is going paralysingly slowly but it is going nonetheless!  I will need to make a start on the last two sections of the screening process leaving only the right up to complete which should be ok.  I can’t wait to finish this bad boy!  It has been an experience but, one that has dragged out too long! 

Brian Fox is coming to town this week!  It’s going to be an event that will be stupefying!!  We will snap necks, cash cheques and fight small children and older ladies…..It’s funny because you guys think I’m joking.  These things will happen and there is not a god damn thing you can do about it!  Although in all seriousness, it is going to be sweet!  It will be offensive to most people’s health. 

Following that, I will be going to my first music festival of the summer, ‘Download’.  The announced acts represent the pinnacle of my teenage angst(!), especially Linkin Park, System of a Down and Disturbed.  Alice Cooper is also playing one of the nights which is kool!  I saw him at another music festival last year (which I will be going to again this year) and he was so good live.  He put on a cracking show!  Thoroughly enjoyed it. 

I will be going with my sister who has, of late, developed a mean, mean attitude.  I believe her new characteristics are down to the terrible influence I have had on her.  She seems far more aggressive than she used to be and it is funny to see.  I do however wish she would see the silver lining in more things in life.  I remember when she was recently diagnosed as being iron deficient.  She was quite afraid of what the future would hold for an individual with a severe lack of iron in the bloodstream but, I tried to calm her down by suggesting that if one day, the X-men were to take over the world, Magneto would not be able to kill her by manipulating the iron in her blood as it is too low.  She was not amused.  I was.

Much love,

Jackson L.

Second place is first loser.

Barcelona win the Champions league thusly crowned the Kings of European football and deservedly so.   They thoroughly deserved to win this tournament as they were the most dominant side in the championship.  It is hard not to love the brand of football Barcelona exhibit....Barca Que mes un club indeed!!!  In my opinion, as a relative new comer to football, they truly make the so called beautiful game beautiful.  It is how the game should be played and evidently it is a winning formula.  It may very well be a cliche but, they are without shadow of a doubt the greatest all round team of our generation.  They set the bench mark and everyone - amateur or professional - admires their style of play.  I also find it baffling that Lionel Messi is head and shoulders above his outstanding team mates.  Everybody who wears a Barca jersey can make a difference in any 11 they play for....but to be the player that everyone looks to for something special is extraordinary.  53 goals in 55 games this season says a lot.  A conprehensive performance from Barca to secure a 3-1 win.  Manchester United, a team rarely on the receiving end of a monsterous hiding, came up far too short despite being level (1-1) at the break.

The best team of our generation, Barcelona, with the greatest football trophy in Europe.

In other sports news, Leinster listed the Heineken cup - Rugby's equivalent to the Champion's league - in a dramatic final at the Millenium Stadium, Cardiff.  A tremendous feat for premiership side, Northampton Saints, who started very brightly.  The Saints were heavy underdogs going into the game but a team never to be written off and as it was - they looked to cause one of the greatest upsets of recent rugby history with what looked like an emphatically comanding first half performance.  With 3 tries, 2 from England players, Ben Foden and Captain Dylan Hartley and one from Phil Dowson put the Saints 22-6 up at the interval.  It looked ominous for the experienced Leinster team.

With nothing to lose, Leinster came out and played the brand of rugby that everyone knows and loves to secure a second Heineken cup TRYumph in 3 years.  Leinster Fly Half Jonny Sexton hit an overall of 28 points (including 2 tries - granting him man of the match status) and a try from Scotland international, Nathan Hines to give Leinster 33-22 scoreline at the final whistle.  Belief, resilience and 27 unanswered points in the seconds half from Leinster's part gave them the distinction of Champions.  Or maybe it was complacency from Northampton's part? An enthralling game for the neutral. 

Jonny Sexton kisses the trophy after his defining performance.

Also, in the rugby world, the Saracens secure the premiership title this year after beating Leicester Tigers 22-18 and brushing aside the cruel memories of a last minute defeat at the hands (or paws) of the Tigers last season.  I was pleased for them as it means the days of the Tigers' powerful authority in the English rugby premiership.  It was an ugly play off final but, good for the Saracens and a great way to erase memories of the heartache of the year before for the fans. 

Sarries take the Premiership title. 
It is rather depressing not having any sports to look forward to at the weekend anymore - well, for at least the next 2-3 months but it is the year of the Rugby World cup which will be fantastic this year.  I also really enjoyed being more involved in the football and watching all the drama, twists and turns and other (anti)climaxes unfold.  I guess we have the transfer mayhem to look forward to?

It will be a good year next year for sport.  I can hardly wait!!! 

Much love,

Jackson L.

The Doctor will see you now....

I love it when people have a somewhat condescending and patronising manner with you when they have no idea what you are capable of.  Today at the work place we had a patient come in and he was about to have his heart screened for any diseases – genetic or otherwise.  I took one look at the guy and thought, there may be something very wrong with him because he does not look like he gets much exercise and from his skin complexion as well as his rotund gut, his diet did not look any better.  While we were waiting to set up his free of charge screening session, I thought I would entertain him with some casual conversation. 

ME: Hello, what’s your name?

PATIENT: My name is …………………

ME: I’m Jackson.  I’m just going to explain one or two things that will happen here.  *Proceeded to explain*

PATIENT: Ok.

ME: Good.  Ok, it looks like the team is nearly ready to carry out your screening.  They will need another 5 minutes.

*Awkward silence ensues*

Once again, trying to just make time pass a little quicker, I continued with the small talk.

ME: So what would you usually be doing if you weren’t in here?  Did you take time off work?

PATIENT: No actually I’m a student and I just finished my exams.

ME: Oh, cool!  Must be a great feeling, I would know, I have been there a few times before.  What is it you are studying? 

PATIENT: Computer games graphics. 

ME: That sounds SO cool.  I used to be well into a lot of games – I still am at heart. 

PATIENT: Yeah, I would not have had you down as that type…..

ME: Yeah, don’t let the ‘mature’ façade fool you…hahaha.

PATIENT: No, I just thought you were one of those annoyingly popular athletic types who tries to be everyone’s friend and knows nothing of other people’s business but pretends to.  You probably also think owning a playstation and playing FIFA makes you a ‘gamer at heart’ but it really doesn’t!

Not knowing what to say and at this point both my supervisor and 2 nurses walk in and this total douchebag gives a smirk as if to say ‘I got you now….you can’t say anything back!’.

“The hell I won’t!” was my exact sentiment at this point. 

ME: Looking athletic compared to you really is not that big a compliment though I thank you for it anyway.  I am far from one of those people who try to be popular and be everyone’s friend – and even if I was you would be very far down the pecking order, so I urge you not to flatter yourself.  There is nothing wrong with playing FIFA and also, I may not be a real gamer at heart but at least I don’t think I am a 6’4 Olympian or an undefeated cage fighting god when in reality I am actually stuck behind the confines of a computer screen chowing down on some lard sandwiches.  Anyway, here is the staff to carry out your screening. 

I returned the silly dickheaded smirk he gave me and left the room – opponent left with a dropped jaw, my pride firmly intact, reasons for needlessly attacking me neutralised. 

Oxbridge niceties from Jackson Logan Quade tend to be a rare occurrence so one must cherish these moments as they come.  This patient decided to have a go at me for no apparent reason….audacious prick! 

My advisor caught up with me later on and told me that the patient thought I was very rude.  Of course he only explained his side of the story.  I told him and the nurses my side and we all then had a bit of a laugh.  The story spread like wildfire I am now considered rather heroic in the office now because I stood my ground.  Everyone has been asking me about it.  Badass baby! Even the Professor (who I am in love with) said it was ballsy. 

It is funny how he thought that I would not shoot him down as he seemed to think he was protected by the team that had walked in.  I don’t think it could have gone any better at all.  He thought he had me sussed when in actuality he was not very close.  I am glad I brought him down a peg or two and everyone seems to agree with my actions.  I was actually surprised I was not harsher.

Needless to say – as I had suspected – he was hypertensive and he was advised to lose weight, exercise and eat healthier. 

There are sometimes when you need to stoop to other people’s (lower) levels – and sometimes even lower…..and drag them down with you(!) – in order to knock people off their high horse. 

Never let others bring you down. 

Much love,

Jackson L.

My views on stuff....

I was, like most nights of my life, in the gym.  I was really into my workout when this dude from some random Eastern European country decided to come along and chastise me.  I was thinking “what in the blue fuck?!” 

His issue was that he felt my technique was off and that I was lifting too much for the bar to support.  After listening to him for about 5 minutes of him talking solid bullshit AND also, looking at him like he was a total penis – I responded to his gash by explaining that I have had to alter my technique due to my shoulder problem. 

*I have had a recurring shoulder problem in that it dislocates with too much strain*

He asked why this was and I explained it was due to my history as a very competitive rugby player.  He then made the realisation that I am a bit of a gym monkey and I do know how to hold my own.  He stepped off and I was left thinking what a first class wanker!   I don’t mind when people tell me something new that I legitimately did not know but, for someone to be arrogant enough to go up to some random dude and tell him that he is doing wrong and have a go without knowing the whole story……total dick!

I just had a really shitty weekend after having to do more work in a friend’s flat.  I have never before done any painting, tiling, plastering or putting curtains up.  I don’t mind doing all this but the fact that it would just come up out of nowhere.  It was always so spontaneous and it would take up most of a day, if not, a full weekend.  I got really riled up as I did not get to relax much during my weekend.  I got pissed off to the point that when I put up the last curtain I actually said to the guy:

“I would love to wreck your place.  If it was up to me, I would raise it to the ground.  I would set fire to your home and sit back and giggle my fuckin’ ass off.”

He was not too displeased but hey, he got hundreds, maybe even thousands of pounds of work done for free.

Speaking of the weekend – everyone has been talking non stop about the kiss shared by Rihanna and Britney Spears when they were on stage at the Billboard Music Awards.  Well, if you ask me one of their careers is going down the shitter.  I recall Madonna kissing shitney Spears on stage and the next day she was made out to be the worst human to have ever lived prompting Chris Crocker to make this paralysingly offensive video.  Disgusting.

Justin Bieber thanked everyone who helped him get out of his hometown.  I would usually think “what a dickhead” but, I can relate to that.  I can’t be thankful enough for being out of my hometown. 

Lady Gaga has gone a little crazy with her single releases.  She has 4 singles in the top 20 in the UK charts which is insane!  Juads – her latest song – is just the weirdest thing.  Drifting in and out of her mundane lyrics while in the gym, I think she was personifying herself as Jesus?!  I hope to God that I am reading into it completely incorrectly.  She is just a repugnant individual.  I am baffled that she has such an extreme following. 

What’s with all these feminine empowerment outlets coming from all sorts of random means?  The likes of that torrid slag Jesse J singing “Do it like a dude” (which is a song she wrote lasting an entire 3 – 4 minutes to a shitty ‘urban’ beat about how she can piss standing up) and more recently this article indicating that celebrities who have split up with their other halves have lost a lot of weight .  What about all those morbidly obese women who have never had partners?  Or what about those who got fat BECAUSE they have been dumped?  We have all heard of ‘comfort eating’!!!  It is insane.  Only those who a really well and truly insecure about themselves would go to these lengths! 

I have now been Facebookless for a month now.  It is strange because I did not even know I could do it.  After the first week or so I totally got used to not having a facebook and it is so refreshing explaining to my reasons for no longer being a part of it.  I was reminded about my lack of facebook when I was on the platform at Stockwell waiting for a train home.  There are these rather pretentious adverts entitled ‘The Londoner’ explaining some things which are attributed to the characteristics of Londoners (not saying I am a Londoner but the city has changed me).  There are specific phrases which can relate to Londoners such as:-

“Maybe it’s because you panic if you think you have lost your Oyster card.”

“Maybe because dressing down for you is undoing your top button and taking off your tie.”

One of them that reminded me of the ‘anti-facebook’ thing was

“Maybe it’s because 27% of Londoners are opinion setters.”

I know what you are probably thinking – how infuriatingly obnoxious!  When I see these I can’t help but feel the need to start a riot and fucking shit up but, I can’t help that it reminded me. 

Anyway, I was talking to a colleague of mine and she said that the idea of leaving facebook was one of the best things she has heard in the last year.  She thinks if it becomes something of a movement it could be amazing.  She said she knew somebody who was a victim of cyber-bullying through the medium of facebook.  How pathetic is it that in today’s society we use the internet, a great form of information gathering, communication, pretty much anything, for bullying?  She continued to tell me about a case which was taken to court where a factory manger in Spain looked to ban the use of facebook on worker’s phones and the judge ruled in favour of facebook… A girl in England recently passed her driving test.  She was 21 years of age.  She was in a car driving with her mother as a passenger.  She picked up her phone as she was driving….before she knew it….she had hit an elderly lady.  The elderly lady died.  The girl who was driving was updating her status on facebook. 

Not only is facebook shit, it also kills. 

And finally, Steve Coogan won a Bafta for 'The Trip'.  I was so happy for him.  I loved watching the trip and it was great how it was all ad-lib.  They were nearly not going to do the show but Michael Winterbottom 

perservered with him and Rob Brydon to do it and it was well worth it.  Well done to him and well done to the team who made it.  It was very funny.  I enjoyed it and recommend it. 

Much love,

Jackson L.

Fuck the past. Make love to the future.

There was a bomb threat in London yesterday – announced at noon – and this altered my day somewhat.  This sparked a chain reaction of things that allowed me to come to a revelation yesterday evening which I guess I always secretly knew but I did not express it to myself properly until then. 

 It was an hour or so later that I learned that the dissident Irish republic were linked to a planned attack on London and informed, ‘by code’ that there was a bomb in a location in London.  [I was secretly jubilant for the reasons that for once it was not a ‘Muslim’ militant group]  What I then did was informed my sister who works in central London not to take the underground home – instead I will come and collect her from somewhere.  We agreed on this and she informed the rest of her co-workers to exercise vigilance while on their way home.  It was being glorified – and rightly so.  It is a threatening position to be in after all.   

Meanwhile, my mother had called me for a quick chat and I asked her how her day was.  She informed me that one of her colleagues had been diagnosed with cancer and he has recently started chemotherapy.  I felt bad for him.  It is something I wish upon nobody – despite what people may think!  She told me she was going with a close family friend.  My mother’s friend is also mother to children who I used to be very close with however; recently I can’t help but feel our friendship is soured.  A reason unbeknownst to me but, I think I may have an inkling into why which I will later explain. 

I have decided not to get in touch with them at all.  Just leave them be and I will do my own thing because whenever I get in touch with them I always seem to come out looking like the asshole (see blog Tell ‘em hug and kiss my ass, X and O) or just ignored.  So I am thinking fuck this.  Wouldn’t you?  Bless my mother; she began to tell me that it was not the right way to handle the problem.  My mum thinks I should just call them up and be a little more assertive and get to the root of the problem and nip it in the bud. 

Unfortunately I had to leave the conversation as I was running a little late to get my sister.  During my drive to Marble Arch I thought it was strange that my mum had called me at this point during the day.  I think she was calling to make sure we were alright as – no doubt – she would have heard about the bomb threat.  I was a little taken aback with her suggestions and I thought why is it that everyone always expects me to be the ‘bigger man’?  I am not the one that looks for drama – drama always, always finds me and then I have to make amends for it.  Don’t get me wrong – if there is a time when I need to make apologies for something I have done wrong I will.  I will hold my hands up and in all honestly offer my sincere apologies.  When I have done nothing wrong I will not apologise.  

Meanwhile, after having picked up my sister we both realised that the car felt funny….PUNCTURE!  I have changed a tyre before and I did it again.  This is because I am a manly man and there is not a god damn soul in this vicinity that can prove otherwise.  Between trying to co-ordinate my sister and changing the tyre itself I began to think about my most recent few years back at home.  Of late, I have not really been one to dwell on the past.  I used to always think “If I had done this differently…..” and I am guilty of wishing I had made different decisions in the past. I realised that if I was to constantly think about what could have been rather than focus on what is, I will quickly lose my mind.  After my discussion with my mother I was reminded of a time of when I was back at home and an incident occurred where a group of ‘close friends’ questioned my word, integrity and friendship.  I was – by them – considered a liar because I shared some great news with them (in the hope they would share my excitement).  After shit hit the fan, I didn’t really know what to do.  It was quite painful.  I always knew that it was going to leave a deep scare and I questioned whether things could go back to normal.  Holidaying together, countless nights out, highs and lows, banterful chat, deep philosophical conversations, poker nights – everything.  It triggered this memory because without realising it at the time I had become very paranoid after I was accused of lying.  I felt under so much more scrutiny, my every move, everything I said and did.  I honestly felt like everyone was looking at me differently.  I felt like public enemy number one as this occurrence had spread like wildfire.  Some mutual friends changed their attitudes towards me.  My mother’s friend’s children are some of a few people who seem to have changed with me.  It really annoyed me because I had done nothing wrong.  Thankfully on the advice of my close friend – I ignored it.  I just kept my head down and lived well.  It was the best thing I could do. 

I guess this is why I did not like my time in X.  The city itself will always have a soft spot in my heart and I will always hold it dear.  I had some of my best experiences, I grew up there, great memories but, most importantly some of the best people in my life I found there.  I always used to say that it was a shithole but, I guess that feeling I had after that event was a catalyst for me to get the hell out of there.  I did not realise this until yesterday.

Even when I bump into certain people I really need to watch what I am saying because I still get that feeling.  Maybe I should just live up to my dickheaded status and become and ignorant wanker?  Well, now I think I will put that status to rest as I am in a good point in my life. 

Much love,

Jackson L. 

He's a dedicated follower of United.

A friend of mine is a Man U fan.  He is the sole reason why I just can’t stand it when that team wins anything.  You can see it in his face that he is a dedicated follower of the ‘Red Devils’.  He has a look of years of substance abuse and he certainly talks like it as well….

I have no idea what brought on his love for a team that is loved by everyone except those who live in Machester and others who just hate that team and everything they stand for.  But, I like to think that as a child his parents were set on punishing him by boring him for ninety minutes.  Fair enough and good parenting you might say but – little did they know that him being a cunt with a shitty addictive personality – their plan back-fired and he became addicted to being bored for ninety minutes and hence watch United on a regular basis.  He seems content to view Rio Ferdinand, Wayne Rooney and another 9 wankers stupefy hordes of otherwise ordinary decent people.  A depraved individual he is. 

Friends becoming concerned called in specialists such as psychologists, therapists and other philanthropists and other professionals with a job title ending in ‘ist’.  Deemed a hopeless case they set up a charity entitled MUA – Manchester United Anonymous.  These meetings are almost as dull as reading Rio Ferdinand’s biography.  Learnng about a grown man’s toilet experiences may be the most mundane, hideous, heinous series of words strung together forming a sentence.  A disastrous waste of ink and paper.  Though it is a cruel necessity as it does help one to recover and journey the road to redemption as being an avid Man U fan can split families, bankrupt one physically and morally and ruin careers. 

My friend has yet to hit rock bottom.  The moment he realises that Man U are not the greatest team to have graced our beautiful planet it will rock his world.  He cannot get into his stubborn, big head that Man U are the reason for all the inhumane atrocities happening in the world today and in history – 2 world wars, famine, pestilence, Gaddafi and Rob Schneider. 

Single, or rather gang, handedly they have managed to kill off football.  They will most certainly kill my friend and it serves him fucking right.  It may be the first and only good thing Man u have done for the good of the land.  Who knows, maybe they will set themselves ablaze and Old Trafford will be raised to the ground.  Wouldn’t that be something?  Yes, it would.  It would be one hell of a story.  Man U have never been known to have ordinary fans or entertain. 

It's that time of year again.

I love this time of year.  I love it because we have finals of different competitions to look forward to.  You may all be fully aware of by now, I’m sure, that Manchester United are playing Barcelona in the Champion’s league final.  This fixture is becoming a regular classic.  This was played out in 2009 when Lionel Messi shredded through to produce 2 goals – one of which was a header scored by the 5”6 frame of Messi! Yeah, riddle me that!!!  It was when I first saw Xavi and Inniesta completely dominate a game of football.  I say first time for me; because it was the first time I had watched Barcelona that season as I was not really that much into football at the time.  They owned the midfield in that game. 

I do not mean to discredit Manchester United’s road to the final and what they have achieved, but I can’t help but think that Barcelona’s journey to Wembley was more difficult – seeing off Arsenal, Shaktar Donetsk and Real Madrid.  I think for Barcelona those were harder games than Man U facing Lyon, Chelsea and Schalke.  Anyway, it matters not, what really matters is that game on the 28^th of May at Wembley stadium.  It will be 90 minutes (maybe more) that will decide who will be the kings of Europe. 

The Heineken Cup – the rugby equivalent of the Champion’s league – will see Northampton Saints take on the mighty Leinster.  This is a tough game to call as both teams have seen off big names in the rugby world but, for the Irish province to defeat Leicester and Toulouse (current champions) to be in the final is a massive advantage for the psychology of that team and for me, they go in being the favourites to win the final.  They also have the experience of being at a European final and winning it before.  The Saints have also defeated big names and thoroughly deserve their opportunity to lift that trophy once again in over a decade.  Putting 23 points past Perpignan – a top flight French team – is no easy feat and I think Northampton Saints should be very pleased with their achievements. 

Both of these teams play with vigour, class and strength.  On their day they are both extremely entertaining to watch, they bring the flare of the French, the skill of the Irish and the strength of the English.  It is a game set up to be a close one.  For my money though, I will put it to Leinster just edging the Saints. 

In other news, Will Smith is working on yet another installment of Men in Black.  The third in this series of ‘I-am-running-out-of-money-and-my-kids-are-just-not-cutting-it-so-I-will-make-a-mediocre-movie’ has caused some New Yorkers who love Will Smith to speak out against the 16 metre long trailer he has been using to accommodate him during his time shooting the film in Manhattan.  This film is out in 2012 and I am already getting in line NOT to go and see it. 

The Apprentice has recently started back up again.  It is slightly different this year as it is not a job that is on offer, it is the opportunity to work as a business partner with ‘Lord’ Sugar as he will be providing a £250000 investment.  Interesting. 

I don’t understand how or why these people who go on do not just watch all the previous series and make a note of all the mistakes.  I have already watched two episodes of this new season and already strongly dislike Melody Hossaini.  She is so full of herself it’s offensive.  I have also seen some candidates pull off the most hysterically stupid business actions.  I have no business acumen whatsoever and I can do better than these stuck up, dick-headed douches.  I wish Lordy Shuggs would invest in me. 

I can’t wait to see the back of that asshole, Melody.  She is so intensely conceited.  I wish she would get to fuck.  Tragically, I know she will get far though because despite her cockiness she has half a brain – compared to the rest of the participants, anyway! 

I wish I was a rich muhfucka so that I can hire people to be my apprentice.  What it would generally entail is being a BIG black dude who lives in the gym and eats everything and hates everyone and has a dull opinion on the stupidest things.  Not many people realise this about big black dudes like myself but, this country was built by us and one of these days we will take everything back!  Things gonna change around here. 

Much love,

Jackson L.

Ramblings continued

I forgot to mention about my weekend when rambling in the early hours of this morning – or late at night….whichever way you choose to view it – I was an accomplice to ruining a birthday outing at the weekend.  It was nothing major on my part as the party of four, me included, all seemed to have a role in corrupting it.  It was a shame to begin with for the girl whose birthday it was as there was supposed to be 10 people attending but 6 pulled out!  I felt bad for her but she was kool about it. 

We began our little adventure in the heart of the west end.  It was a pleasant, charismatic Moroccan place known as Azou.  It was a very intimate place.  Apparently it had been approved by Gordon Ramsey so I was in for a real treat!  Upon our arrival, over half an hour late – because I am SUCH a badass – or due to a punctured car tyre, I found that I was the only dude there.  Well, odds were good for me, right?  Three girls.  Ok, one was my sister and I do not practice incest because I am perfectly sane….or at least I am a normal functioning member of society and no one can prove otherwise!  So that narrows me down to two girls!  Oh, yeah! Sweet!  Well, they are lovely ladies but they are fairly consecrated so I had to respect that.  I still, and at most points throughout the night rather regretted, was just myself.  I feel I had a set myself a comfort zone that should have had slightly more boundaries.  Oh well. 

So we arrived.  We ate our food with next to no mishaps; all except the actual food was extremely hot.  I mean from a temperate point of view not spicy.  I love spicy.  So, we were all eating as if we were deaf people trying to converse.  No disrespect to deaf people but that is just what it looked like.  It was what it was!  Don’t judge me!!!  I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was not the only person who ordered what I like to call a ‘real meal’.  I knew my sister would not let me down either but I found I was in the presence of other carnivores and I was pleased to not have to justify eating meat to a bunch of tree hugging, butt licking hippies.  Having finished my glorious meal, a lamb shank slowly cooked in a thick gravy and vegetables for about 3 hours….meat melted in my mouth, I was asked to finish off everyone else’s meal as well.  Once again I was the token bin.  I was far from complaining in fairness.  Having polished off pretty much all the plates on the table we set off to a bar in East Central.  It was a fair distance away and we had a flat tyre.  It was just recipe for a tragic disaster.  I am too young to die after all.

We ventured around to find a petrol station which would give us air to fill up the tyre.  It quickly became a mission which all of us resented.  After going to the first petrol station with an out of order machine we were given directions to another with a machine which claimed to work where really it just took two of my hard earned pounds for fuck all.  It actually sucked the air out of the tyre rather than blow it in.  Our collective decision was pretty much ‘fuck this!’ and we decided to go and find this bar regardless of a flat tyre or not.  It had been about an hour by this point and being sat in the car that long does things to your mind.  Especially seeing as we had to rely on bullshit radio for entertainment.  As I said I was being myself and I was providing as much entertainment as possible.  It was really good for me as well because I had people laughing to the point of being unable to breathe.  Yes, I am a genius. 

During our drive through all of London to find the bar the birthday girl had chosen (which seemed to not exist) we found a petrol station which had a working air machine.  Problem solved, finally!  Thanks to the London traffic on a Saturday night, it took us a copious amount of time to get anywhere.  I started to get bored very quickly….

Our next step was to find this bar.  We could not.  We wasted about ¾ of a tank of petrol journeying through west London to east London and by this point we were in the car – on what was a humid night at 20 degrees C at around half past ten at night….I was impressed but, A/C was not being worked and I had the cake sitting on my sweltering laps.  It just melted.  I thought it was funny because I did ask for the A/C!  Eventually the birthday girl mentioned that she is going to be picked up in the west end…..to say we were all livid due to this shattering irony will be understating it a little.  We all had a hand in ruining it…

I still had a good night nonetheless.  Birthday girl said she had a great time and she thought it was a memorable night.  I think it is something we all secretly enjoyed as we all had a laugh in the car at one point.  Not to be big headed but I feel that I fueled most of the wit.  Never a dull moment with me except there always is.  We all seemed to enjoy our impromptu tour of London. 

It got me thinking about my birthdays.  I have never really had an epic birthday celebration except my 18^th which was something which wasn’t really planned.  It just happened and I rolled with where ever the night took me.  I always tried to replicate and plan a birthday like that after and quickly gave up.  I can’t stand celebrating my birthday because it always just seems so disappointing.  So, for me, it is just another day where I spend with my nearest and dearest, closest friends from home, BF, family.  Based on what was planned and what came to fruition on Saturday – if this was my birthday I would have probably been a little pissed off.  So I credit and respect the birthday girl for being such a champ about it. 

I do love birthdays.  I just don’t celebrate them well….I guess I don’t see the point of celebrating being even one step closer to your frail old age.  Can’t say not to a present though…and cake…usually cakeSSSSS commemorating the anniversary of my escape from my mother’s amniotic Bastille.   

Much love,

Jackson L. 

Ramblings.

It is summer!  The weather has well and truly proved it of late, it has been sub-tropic here it’s just beautiful!  I always look forward to the summer for many reasons; the weather, the smells, nature is more exuberant, people are happier and it is generally a greater ambience. 

An activity which I always look forward to – sometimes literally for months and months is going to festivals.  You buy the tickets so long in advance and when it finally comes around the excitement has bubbled into something so much more.  You relish every moment of your time at these festivals whether it is single day or weekend long festivals. 

I love these festivals.  I was at Sonisphere 2010 and I thought it was just too good.  I was blown away as it seemed like the crème de la crème of music festivals.  They had a 24 hour supermarket, fresh food stalls, showers with hot water, toilets that flush(!), loads of different entertainment tents – including one with Tim Minchin performing and another with Henry Rollins.  What had attracted me most of all to this festival was the fact that Iron Maiden – my favourite band of all time and Rammstein, a band I listened to at the pinnacle of my teenage angst.  I found, when leaving the festival – feeling extremely solemn and as if I had forever lost a relative or a limb (…whichever is worse) I found that the best reasons to do to these were not to go and see the array of talented performers entertain – although that is one hell of a bonus – it is the banterous time you will spend with your friends, random people who you have never met and enjoying all hours of the event as it passes by with these people.  It was depressing to leave all that behind as it just did not seem to last long enough….I guess forever would be a bit too much to ask. 

There was nothing better than coming back in the evening and sitting with a drink (Relentless in my case) and stay up for hours and hours talking complete nonsense but, having the best time, time that you will forever remember and look back on fondly. 

I will be attending two of these music festivals this year – Download and Sonisphere.  The word ‘excitement’ does not even come close to defining how my allies and I are feeling about going to these events. 

In other news – I was reading the papers today when at my neighbours flat watching Manchester United place one hand, aggressively, on the title trophy after defeating Chelsea 2-1 and extending their lead to 6 points at the summit with only 2 games left.  They have effectively won what was a bogey season with no one being outstanding….just consistent it would seem.  I think only one more point would seal the deal for Man U.  I hate Man U.  I hate them, not because of their players – I rather like their players, Ryan Giggs is just an exceptional all round athlete.  For a man who is pushing 40 years and still getting a regular game for a top flight, world famous team like Manchester United?  Even the word ‘exceptional’ is a catastrophic understatement.  I also think Wayne Rooney, only for his athletic ability, deserves respect, huge work ethic and many others like Paul Scholes, Vidic, Chicarito (Little Pea) probably the most economical signing in sports history, let alone football history!  A great team.  Even more implausible manager, Sir Alex Ferguson.  A glittering career at Old Trafford and he has won everything and dubbed ‘The God Father of English football’ and rightly so.  But, the reason why I hate that team is their fans. 

Their fans believe they should have a pedestal built and they have the God given right to be placed upon it for simply supporting Man United.  They always strongly believe that they are following the greatest team to have graced the Earth.  Being in their presence is just offensive and, if you ask me, there are never enough Man U fans to stop a runaway bus.  Most of them actually live very far away from Manchester.  It is painfully stupid. 

However, I must credit the team for winning the title.  They have been the most consistent and for a bogey season and league campaign that had seen several twists and turns and change in form – United were most hungry for it.  I still hate them though. 

So, as I was saying – I was reading the papers (I deviated, I know) and I stumbled upon this most gruesome, odious, abhorrent, cancerous, repugnant photograph:-

I would just like to point out that it was ‘News of the World’ newspaper that had decided to torment it’s readers with this vile, hideous filth.  She has arms that belong to an abuser of heroin (I’m sure she would find it more-ish if she tried it) and it is rancid!  I wanted to throw up everywhere when I saw this malnourished looking Madonna.  I want to throw up when I see her anyway. 

It is bad enough having to view a photograph of Madonna or see her on television as it is.  I can’t stand her pathetic attempt at an English accent, her stupid face, her shit songs and most of all, I find her general existence offensive.  I think even her children will agree that she is a grubby, revolting, disgusting prostitute.  I feel terrible for her children….I would rather be a destitute than be her child.  I would berate Madonna more but I really can’t be bothered.  She is just terrible.  She should stop being a cunt and sort her life out and by that I mean she should end all her ventures in the world and eradicate any semblance of her career from the face of the planet. 

Much love,

Jackson L. 

Catfish is shit. Peter Cook is a cult hero.

I watched Catfish yesterday.  It was tremendous.  I have never thought something could be THAT good at being SO shit.  I concede to More4 (TV channel) had me gripped.  It was advertised really very well.  It was made to look far more sinister than it actually was but, it was just an intense let down. 

It began with some douche who is a photographer who found an 8 year old girl on facebook.  She was an artist.  She was something of a prodigy.  He began to send her photographs so that she could paint them, which she did, exceptionally well, it must be said.  It was almost too good for just an 8 year old but, I suppose that’s what a prodigy is.  So, as the documentary dragged on, it expressed his getting to know the little girl and her family.  The more he got to know them he developed deeper relationship with the mother of the family.  He got to know the little girl’s half sister and he began talking to her more and more and he started to – from what I can see – fall for her.  Naturally he wanted to travel across the states to go and visit ‘his love’ (gay) and meet the rest of her family.  I say naturally because, as aforementioned, the dude was a stupid cunting douchebag.  Is that not just weird as fuck?! 

“Hey, I got to know you on Facebook so I’ll travel 500 miles to come meet you because thats normal!”

Things began to sour for him as he realised certain things did not add up.  Upon showing up unannounced at the mother’s house, as she was the only one he had spoken to for more than 20 seconds, he realised that it was all a total fabrication.  The mother had created 15 Facebook accounts and she was a compulsive liar.  It was not her 8 year old daughter who was the painter, it was her.  She was the artist. 

Now, when this happens, any normal, self-respecting human being with any semblance of sensibility would just up and leave.  I, personally, would be like

“Bitch, you lie! You lie!! Send me your paintings from hell!” 

I would berate her some more and then leave, never to see or speak to her ever again. 

No, this powerfully emotional penis has kept in touch with her – even on Facebook along with another 731 friends (another painfully annoying cunt with more friends on his Facebook page than there are days in the year).  What a cunting dickcheese!

It was a shit documentary and if you want to waste 2 hours of your life then watch it.  It was in no way moving.  It was creepy, weird and very, very shit.  It reaffirms my stand against Facebook.  FUCK FACEBOOK!  You meet lying dickheads who seek needless attention from other souless, lifeless wankers.

I was on the tube reading ‘Tragically I was an Only Twin’, a book detailing Peter Cook’s rise to comedy heroism and his career thereof.  I was approached by a gentleman in his mid to late 60s.  He said –

“Excuse me; do you know who Peter Cook is?”

I thought at first, what a hysterically pompous prick!  Not only did he interrupt me from reading a book that I need to force myself to put down but it also seemed to be really rather condescending.  But then I realised, and it hurts me sincerely, that I did not live in the generation where the world saw Peter Cook become a cult legend of comedy. 

I looked up and said

“I found Derek and Clive when I was about 13 or 14 and my life changed forever.  I have never looked back.”

He laughed.  We further discussed how genius Peter Cook is.  Truly a pioneer.  I said to him, I love that he is so very cult.  He seemed to disagree with me at first.  I mentioned to him that not many people know about him the same way people knew about comedians like Tommy Cooper or the two Ronnies or Monty Python or Richard Pryor or comedians who are now considered legendary who are still performing today like; Eddie Izzard, Ricky Gervais etc.  Though, when you look at those who do know and love him – John Cleese, Michael Palin, Steven Fry, they all really love him and think he is the greatest.  He agreed.  We both agreed that he has undeniably changed the face of comedy forever.  He left.  I carried on reading.

I really cherished meeting another person who thought Peter Cook was just pure concentrated brilliance.  These moments are few and far between.  As I was reading I realised that he was so far ahead of his time. 

Much love,

Jackson L.

Osama Bin Laden is dead - 02/05/11

Well then America is lying in the midst of their hangover and vomit after “partying hard” due to their celebrations following the finding and assassination of Osama Bin Laden during a 40 minute raid in a remote compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan on the 2^nd of May. 

Before 11/09/2001 - or the event known as 9/11 to the general populous – Osama Bin Laden, to many, was nothing more than just a very rich man who funded terrorist organisations to carry out atrocities.  He was known for finding the terrorist organisation known as ‘Al Qaeda’ who are notorious for causing chaos and sending destructive terror ripples to rip through cities.  Chaos, devastation and desolation ensues. 

He was on the FBI’s ‘Most Wanted List’ for attacks on US embassies in major East African cities such as; Nairobi, Kenya and Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania.  It would seem like overnight Osama Bin Laden became a very well known household name.  The tragic events of 9/11 claimed the lives of many people from all different types of race, religion, creed and culture.  I’m sure I need not remind anyone of the actions that took place but it involved the collisions of jumbo jets into the World Trade Centre towers in New York City.  Well over 3000 civilians died that day – including the brave firefighters and police men and women of New York - and numerous died several months later died due to adverse side effects like lymphoma.  The fires left in the debris of the attacks raged on for more than 100 days after the attacks. 

I would now like to take the opportunity to say I am glad the fucker is gone.  Bin Laden has done nothing but killed many innocent men, women and children in the name of Islam consequently inciting racial hatred towards Muslims.  He was a disgusting human being with a powerful ability to convince himself that he was a just mercenary.  To end the life of one innocent individual is a grave catastrophe for it is best to let 1000 guilty men live than to let 1 innocent man die. 

The faith which I follow was constantly made to look evil due to that complete and utter cunt.  Islamophobia became a fabric worn by many and I feel it was due to people’s lack of understanding of my religion which was very negatively portrayed by the media as, in my opinion; they seemed to believe Bin Laden’s every word about my religion.  As if we would have that kind of barbaric knob to be an ambassador for a religion of over a billion people.  Not to say other religions are not right, as I do not believe in a ‘wrong’ religion, I believe whatever makes you a good person, (A very good Catholic friend of mine asked me if I would be offended if he would bless himself in my house.  My response was we implore that kind of thing.)  But, is it really possible for 1 billion people to be as sick and twisted as Bin Laden?  Come on!

Now, having said that, and I must iterate I am not a conspiracy theorist, I must raise a few questions –

1. The first question I asked was “Why was he buried at sea?” A US spokesman came out and indicated the US officials’ interest to respect the Islamic ideal by being buried in 24 hours (first I have heard of it….) and their desire was to fulfill the belief of the dead man.  So, why contradict yourselves by burying a Muslim at sea?  The man had indeed been in hiding for the best part of the last decade, I am sure some sort of secret location would not be too stretching for government or military personnel?  It just seems a little too convenient. 
2. America is now turning to Pakistan to ask why their military intelligence did not know of Bin Laden’s whereabouts.  For people like Bin Laden, disappearing was easy.  Though, the worrying thing is this has reignited and catalysed nervous tension on an already abysmal relationship.  Reminds me of the “We gotta go into Pakistan…” speech Obama gave.  I wonder if out of nowhere a conflict will arise?
3. Speaking of Obama, last week he was a total US President villain.  His ratings were at an all-time low but now the first black President will be immortilised for catching the biggest global threat.  Convenient?  In 40 minutes he is now one of the greatest Presidents to have ever dwelled the White House. 
4. A former Pakistani Prime Minister known as Benazir Bhutto had said that Bin Laden had been hiding in Pakistan however, he had died in 2007.  She was assassinated shortly after that interview.  I am not saying I believe what she was saying but, it may explain why there was such need to ‘bury the body in 24 hours’??! Who knows? 
5. Is it not a little bit insulting to the families of the victims of 9/11 to not see such a tyrannical monster brought to trial? Some may not have wanted it but others probably would have. 

As per usual, there is something not quite right about the way our ‘oh so wise’ governments deal with major issues such as these (please see the Libya conflict to further endorse my ramblings – evidence).  Nonetheless the vast majorities blindly follow their governments and always seem to believe that they are ‘making the best decisions’. Yeah, recession, mate!  Wars.  Not using military strength when needed to…..to…um…..I dunno….OVER THROW GADAFFI?!  It doesn’t take a genius.  There’s your ‘best decisions’.  There are very few who question their government’s decisions.  These are the people who do not fear their governments.  Governments should fear their people. 

As aforementioned, I am not some crazy conspiracy theorists and if anyone has any semblance of genuine, sensible answers to these questions please do let me know them.  Also, I can understand people’s elation or relief that we are now officially not living in a world of a colossal (prick) global threat, hey, I am one of the happiest as I feel he was a key player in making Muslims look like the most backwards, barbaric, grotesque people to have lived, however, celebrating it to the extent in which people in the US have is – like everything American – a little extreme.  We were even discussing this in the office today and we have all concluded that it is only throwing fuel in a waning fire.  It will reignite and it will be aggressive.  I fear an imminent retaliation.   

Al Qaeda have been delivered a major blow.  They are deeply wounded.  A wounded animal is an animal which is most dangerous. 

Much love,

Jackson L.