How rude!

More and more my faith in humanity is tested day by day.  I find myself getting ever more irate at people’s increasing stupidity, lack of courtesy, lack of decorum and general existence. 

Today I went to the post office to pick up a parcel which I had the misfortune of missing due to life getting in the way.  Regrettably I was given the opportunity to witness the bullshit humans are capable of.  As I was leaving the post office a little old lady on a Zimmer-frame had the door slammed shut in her face.  I felt like the worst person alive and it was not even me who slammed the door shut.  In shock I told her that I would open the door for her and she was nothing but grateful for my most simple deed.  She was a decrepit, feeble lady who could barely walk at snail’s pace and was having trouble balancing on her frame let alone struggle to open a door as well. 

As I left the post office – I had decided to walk and enjoy the incredible weather we are having – I began thinking more about the utter shit that people are actually capable of doing without remorse.  Around a week ago, I am not sure at what point during the day, it may have been during work, while I was at home when I was on the underground, at some point my car was parked and some total fuckhead who just does not know how to drive hit my car.  Said fuckhead scratched the shit out of the front right hand side of it….and drove off.  Said fuckhead did NOT leave a note on my windscreen to explain his complete and utter dicketry!  What. A. CUNT!

While at work this week, I had to tackle some people who came in from a competitor store to basically scope the place out.  You can always spot them a million miles away as they begin asking certain questions.  As soon as you explain that you are not at liberty to divulge such information they begin their assault.  Their particular angle was, even thought they are far more expensive than our competitive prices, was during our busy spells audibly bark our prices are too high and that you would get more bang for your buck elsewhere. 

I responded, even more audibly:

“Can you please not say this in front of our customers?  We are actually much more reasonably priced than other stores.  Have you no class?!”

Don’t even get me started on the amount of times I have been on public transport only to witness the elderly board a busy train or a pregnant lady get on a crowded bus for only no one to offer their seat to these people. 

Honestly, is this what we have come to?! 

Manners cost nothing. 

I think certain people need to be taught a lesson in a little thing called ETTIQUETTE!!!

Thankfully, I pride myself on my restraint.  I am a firm believer in self-control and I like to avoid confrontation as much as I can but I will not avoid it at all costs.  Sometimes to confront someone is the only way to get people to understand where you are coming from. 

I leave you with an anecdote.  A friend of mine parked his car in a parking bay with only a ten pound note and no change to buy a ticket from the machine.  He went into a newsagent to break the tenner to get change for the machine.  As he bought his ticket and walked back to the car with his ticket in hand, a traffic warden had already written out a ticket and placed it onto his car. 

My friend explained that he had to get change as the machines did not take notes to which the traffic warden responds (like a first class asshole would)

“That’s not my problem!”

My friend, without hesitation, punched him in the face.  The traffic warden fell to the ground.  He picked up the ticket and saw that it was administered 3 minutes AFTER he had purchased his pay and display ticket which means it could have easily been resolved with the city council. 

My friend was fined and had to serve hours in community service. 

No good can come of violence. 

Much love,

Jackson L.  

World flags

I forgot to mention, I stumbled upon this book in a rare books faire I attended in the West end recently as I am the most cultural muhfucka in this hemisphere, and I saw this:

I picked it up and looked through all the countries that had rich, somewhat recent history.  I was surprised to see that the flag of Germany was indeed the Nazi flag and the Japanese flag was the flag of the rising sun.  The American flag had only 48 stars as well.  I found this little children’s book – valued at a mere 50 pounds(!) so historically significant!  It was quite amazing as it is not really something we would consider. 

Much love,

Jackson L.

Nobody likes a snitch.

I am slowly beginning to resent my place of work thanks to a narcissistic, small, annoying, body-of-an-8-year-old-boy, douchebag!  There are several reasons as to why I think she is nothing but a pathetic, insolent, flat nosed bastard.  I rose above the inter-personal questions about my sex life (after having only known her for literally four and a half hours….give or take 3 minutes!), her shitty insecurities; letting me know all those who find her attractive, how her ex-boyfriend was ‘devastated’ when she dumped him and also how her current boyfriend’s friend asked for a threesome which prompted me to ask:

“Why are you telling me this?”

To which she simply sniggered.  I didn’t even let her condescending tendencies scathe me as I just got on with my job – I’m there to get paid and then just get the fuck out – no socialising because the calibre of all (bar two) the people I work with are just cancerous.  People get cancer from merely their presence! – so I just let it go. 

The constant grammatical incorrectness I am constantly subjected to is just painful.  I know I am not perfect but, fucking hell!  Learn your singulars and your plurals.  English is a simple language which is why it is just beautiful.  God!!!  In addition to all this, her boyfriend always comes in whenever she is working and even observing the catastrophic mismatch leaves me bewildered as to where and how there is any veneer of attraction whatsoever!  I just like to pretend it is some sort of shitty façade they have as I refuse to believe they are or ever have been attracted to one another.  It; in a weird, twisted way, reinstalls my faith in humanity albeit a slither of faith and hope. 

I began to lose my tolerance with this undersized, petulant bag of testicles when she began to bitch to me about one of those whom I actually like.  I did not like hearing what she had to say so I told her that I think she is being extremely immature, juvenile and that she should discuss her problems with said person rather than enact some sort of school playground play and be a little bitch about it.  She did not take too well to my good advice. 

Several weeks later, she decides to become a snitch.  I am constantly going in and out of the managers’ office because, the new guy who she has taken a strong dislike to, is working with me to learn how to keep everything in working order because I am an awesome teacher.  This vertically challenged asshole is snitching on everything.  This is a piss take as even things that were most definitely not our fault are now blamed on us.  No one likes a snitch, bitch!!  This is why I have taken it upon myself to wind her up at every given opportunity.  She recently got a shitty tattoo on her lower back – a tramp stamp – which has a very generic floral design with the word ‘love’ embedded within.  I have asked her the reasoning behind this tattoo to which she gave an excruciating response to:

“Everyone should have love in their life.”

I took the liberty of further questioning her motives as I know a little bit of her history.  I asked:

“Did you get that tattoo as you perhaps felt you needed reminders of the need for love in one’s life as maybe you feel your parents show a lack of love for you because they kicked you out?”

The look of sheer shock was utter jubilation to me.  Once again she got very defensive and began giving me a lot of shit which I was not really paying attention to.  The one aspect of her usual (shit) chat I registered was how she has come so far in her young life and how she is in the London School of Economics.  To which I responded with:

“You’re in the LSE?  They must let anyone in these days.”

Her jaw.  The floor.  Connection.   Fantastic!

FYI, she failed her final year.  Just saying. 

I have now resorted to telling her whenever she has bogies in her nose – she is shorter than me…..you are probably wondering how I can see up her nose?  Well, it is very flat.  She is getting moderately self-conscious about it which is just great. 

The last hilarious episode we were involved in was around the managers.  I am reasonably tight with one of the managers.  I overheard a conversation between the managers and this accomplished wanker and I heard her ask:

“How long have you guys been together?”

(The managers are married)

“Before we were married, for 7 years – engaged for 2 years”

“Wow!  It is hard to stay together that long….”

To which I interjected and said – without a moment’s hesitation:

“…..only if you are a slut.”

BOOM!

Managers fell about the place laughing as I had my back to them carrying on with my work having said what I said, cool as a cucumber. 

The small pathetic excuse for a human being went off on one once again, questioning what I was implying and really soured the mood.  One of the managers asked her to calm herself down and tried to explain that I was only joking (even though I was not).  I then threw petrol in the fire by saying:

“Well, every joke is laced with elements of truth but, let’s ignore …........’s little outburst which has soured the mood…and potentially ruined the evening for everyone.”

I can be such a tremendous fucking cunt.  It’s great.  I have also proven my status as a reliable, valued member of staff now as the ideas keep pouring out of me.  I came up with a great one the other day which the managers are working on administering as soon as possible…..(as my good friend T’s legendary dad would say) “AH-THANK-YOHH!”

I am still to advise on other ideas for the coming winter months because I am a legend and most definitely thee greatest person at my place of work – no questions asked.  I am even entrusted with the keys to the place now, that’s whassup!!!

Elsewhere in my weird, bizarre and fairly lamentable life which seems to get more and more depressing the more I go to work, I have taken solace in watching more rugby world cup matches. 

New Zealand played the French in what was dubbed to be ‘the most exciting game of the world cup yet’.  It did not disappoint.  The best of the two hemispheres confronted each other as they so often do in the RWC and this time – for the All Blacks it was a grudge match.  In 2007 the French hosts got lucky to knock out the all Blacks (a forward pass leading to a try) gave them a 2 point lead (with the conversion kicked).  Yet another 4 years of hurt.  Allegedly all the NZ fans agonisingly groaned when they realized the French were in their pool.  The French are known as New Zealand’s bogey team – only at the world cup – as they have a history of defeating the All blacks when it mattered. 

Nothing was going to stop the All Blacks, on Richie McCaw’s historic 100^th test match in an All Black jersey, from sealing a win against their French counterparts.  What ensued for the next 80 minutes was sheer rugby beauty, eloquence and a master class at it’s most extreme.  If you have not watched the game yet I strongly recommend it!  It should be an advert for rugby. 

You can see the highlights here. 

Thanks for reading.

Much love,

Jackson L.