I am slowly beginning to resent my place of work thanks to a narcissistic, small, annoying, body-of-an-8-year-old-boy, douchebag! There are several reasons as to why I think she is nothing but a pathetic, insolent, flat nosed bastard. I rose above the inter-personal questions about my sex life (after having only known her for literally four and a half hours….give or take 3 minutes!), her shitty insecurities; letting me know all those who find her attractive, how her ex-boyfriend was ‘devastated’ when she dumped him and also how her current boyfriend’s friend asked for a threesome which prompted me to ask:
“Why are you telling me this?”
To which she simply sniggered. I didn’t even let her condescending tendencies scathe me as I just got on with my job – I’m there to get paid and then just get the fuck out – no socialising because the calibre of all (bar two) the people I work with are just cancerous. People get cancer from merely their presence! – so I just let it go.
The constant grammatical incorrectness I am constantly subjected to is just painful. I know I am not perfect but, fucking hell! Learn your singulars and your plurals. English is a simple language which is why it is just beautiful. God!!! In addition to all this, her boyfriend always comes in whenever she is working and even observing the catastrophic mismatch leaves me bewildered as to where and how there is any veneer of attraction whatsoever! I just like to pretend it is some sort of shitty façade they have as I refuse to believe they are or ever have been attracted to one another. It; in a weird, twisted way, reinstalls my faith in humanity albeit a slither of faith and hope.
I began to lose my tolerance with this undersized, petulant bag of testicles when she began to bitch to me about one of those whom I actually like. I did not like hearing what she had to say so I told her that I think she is being extremely immature, juvenile and that she should discuss her problems with said person rather than enact some sort of school playground play and be a little bitch about it. She did not take too well to my good advice.
Several weeks later, she decides to become a snitch. I am constantly going in and out of the managers’ office because, the new guy who she has taken a strong dislike to, is working with me to learn how to keep everything in working order because I am an awesome teacher. This vertically challenged asshole is snitching on everything. This is a piss take as even things that were most definitely not our fault are now blamed on us. No one likes a snitch, bitch!! This is why I have taken it upon myself to wind her up at every given opportunity. She recently got a shitty tattoo on her lower back – a tramp stamp – which has a very generic floral design with the word ‘love’ embedded within. I have asked her the reasoning behind this tattoo to which she gave an excruciating response to:
“Everyone should have love in their life.”
I took the liberty of further questioning her motives as I know a little bit of her history. I asked:
“Did you get that tattoo as you perhaps felt you needed reminders of the need for love in one’s life as maybe you feel your parents show a lack of love for you because they kicked you out?”
The look of sheer shock was utter jubilation to me. Once again she got very defensive and began giving me a lot of shit which I was not really paying attention to. The one aspect of her usual (shit) chat I registered was how she has come so far in her young life and how she is in the London School of Economics. To which I responded with:
“You’re in the LSE? They must let anyone in these days.”
Her jaw. The floor. Connection. Fantastic!
FYI, she failed her final year. Just saying.
I have now resorted to telling her whenever she has bogies in her nose – she is shorter than me…..you are probably wondering how I can see up her nose? Well, it is very flat. She is getting moderately self-conscious about it which is just great.
The last hilarious episode we were involved in was around the managers. I am reasonably tight with one of the managers. I overheard a conversation between the managers and this accomplished wanker and I heard her ask:
“How long have you guys been together?”
(The managers are married)
“Before we were married, for 7 years – engaged for 2 years”
“Wow! It is hard to stay together that long….”
To which I interjected and said – without a moment’s hesitation:
“…..only if you are a slut.”
BOOM!
Managers fell about the place laughing as I had my back to them carrying on with my work having said what I said, cool as a cucumber.
The small pathetic excuse for a human being went off on one once again, questioning what I was implying and really soured the mood. One of the managers asked her to calm herself down and tried to explain that I was only joking (even though I was not). I then threw petrol in the fire by saying:
“Well, every joke is laced with elements of truth but, let’s ignore …........’s little outburst which has soured the mood…and potentially ruined the evening for everyone.”
I can be such a tremendous fucking cunt. It’s great. I have also proven my status as a reliable, valued member of staff now as the ideas keep pouring out of me. I came up with a great one the other day which the managers are working on administering as soon as possible…..(as my good friend T’s legendary dad would say) “AH-THANK-YOHH!”
I am still to advise on other ideas for the coming winter months because I am a legend and most definitely thee greatest person at my place of work – no questions asked. I am even entrusted with the keys to the place now, that’s whassup!!!
Elsewhere in my weird, bizarre and fairly lamentable life which seems to get more and more depressing the more I go to work, I have taken solace in watching more rugby world cup matches.
New Zealand played the French in what was dubbed to be ‘the most exciting game of the world cup yet’. It did not disappoint. The best of the two hemispheres confronted each other as they so often do in the RWC and this time – for the All Blacks it was a grudge match. In 2007 the French hosts got lucky to knock out the all Blacks (a forward pass leading to a try) gave them a 2 point lead (with the conversion kicked). Yet another 4 years of hurt. Allegedly all the NZ fans agonisingly groaned when they realized the French were in their pool. The French are known as New Zealand’s bogey team – only at the world cup – as they have a history of defeating the All blacks when it mattered.
Nothing was going to stop the All Blacks, on Richie McCaw’s historic 100th test match in an All Black jersey, from sealing a win against their French counterparts. What ensued for the next 80 minutes was sheer rugby beauty, eloquence and a master class at it’s most extreme. If you have not watched the game yet I strongly recommend it! It should be an advert for rugby.
You can see the highlights here.
Thanks for reading.
Much love,
Jackson L.
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