Nobody likes a snitch.

I am slowly beginning to resent my place of work thanks to a narcissistic, small, annoying, body-of-an-8-year-old-boy, douchebag!  There are several reasons as to why I think she is nothing but a pathetic, insolent, flat nosed bastard.  I rose above the inter-personal questions about my sex life (after having only known her for literally four and a half hours….give or take 3 minutes!), her shitty insecurities; letting me know all those who find her attractive, how her ex-boyfriend was ‘devastated’ when she dumped him and also how her current boyfriend’s friend asked for a threesome which prompted me to ask:

“Why are you telling me this?”

To which she simply sniggered.  I didn’t even let her condescending tendencies scathe me as I just got on with my job – I’m there to get paid and then just get the fuck out – no socialising because the calibre of all (bar two) the people I work with are just cancerous.  People get cancer from merely their presence! – so I just let it go. 

The constant grammatical incorrectness I am constantly subjected to is just painful.  I know I am not perfect but, fucking hell!  Learn your singulars and your plurals.  English is a simple language which is why it is just beautiful.  God!!!  In addition to all this, her boyfriend always comes in whenever she is working and even observing the catastrophic mismatch leaves me bewildered as to where and how there is any veneer of attraction whatsoever!  I just like to pretend it is some sort of shitty façade they have as I refuse to believe they are or ever have been attracted to one another.  It; in a weird, twisted way, reinstalls my faith in humanity albeit a slither of faith and hope. 

I began to lose my tolerance with this undersized, petulant bag of testicles when she began to bitch to me about one of those whom I actually like.  I did not like hearing what she had to say so I told her that I think she is being extremely immature, juvenile and that she should discuss her problems with said person rather than enact some sort of school playground play and be a little bitch about it.  She did not take too well to my good advice. 

Several weeks later, she decides to become a snitch.  I am constantly going in and out of the managers’ office because, the new guy who she has taken a strong dislike to, is working with me to learn how to keep everything in working order because I am an awesome teacher.  This vertically challenged asshole is snitching on everything.  This is a piss take as even things that were most definitely not our fault are now blamed on us.  No one likes a snitch, bitch!!  This is why I have taken it upon myself to wind her up at every given opportunity.  She recently got a shitty tattoo on her lower back – a tramp stamp – which has a very generic floral design with the word ‘love’ embedded within.  I have asked her the reasoning behind this tattoo to which she gave an excruciating response to:

“Everyone should have love in their life.”

I took the liberty of further questioning her motives as I know a little bit of her history.  I asked:

“Did you get that tattoo as you perhaps felt you needed reminders of the need for love in one’s life as maybe you feel your parents show a lack of love for you because they kicked you out?”

The look of sheer shock was utter jubilation to me.  Once again she got very defensive and began giving me a lot of shit which I was not really paying attention to.  The one aspect of her usual (shit) chat I registered was how she has come so far in her young life and how she is in the London School of Economics.  To which I responded with:

“You’re in the LSE?  They must let anyone in these days.”

Her jaw.  The floor.  Connection.   Fantastic!

FYI, she failed her final year.  Just saying. 

I have now resorted to telling her whenever she has bogies in her nose – she is shorter than me…..you are probably wondering how I can see up her nose?  Well, it is very flat.  She is getting moderately self-conscious about it which is just great. 

The last hilarious episode we were involved in was around the managers.  I am reasonably tight with one of the managers.  I overheard a conversation between the managers and this accomplished wanker and I heard her ask:

“How long have you guys been together?”

(The managers are married)

“Before we were married, for 7 years – engaged for 2 years”

“Wow!  It is hard to stay together that long….”

To which I interjected and said – without a moment’s hesitation:

“…..only if you are a slut.”

BOOM!

Managers fell about the place laughing as I had my back to them carrying on with my work having said what I said, cool as a cucumber. 

The small pathetic excuse for a human being went off on one once again, questioning what I was implying and really soured the mood.  One of the managers asked her to calm herself down and tried to explain that I was only joking (even though I was not).  I then threw petrol in the fire by saying:

“Well, every joke is laced with elements of truth but, let’s ignore …........’s little outburst which has soured the mood…and potentially ruined the evening for everyone.”

I can be such a tremendous fucking cunt.  It’s great.  I have also proven my status as a reliable, valued member of staff now as the ideas keep pouring out of me.  I came up with a great one the other day which the managers are working on administering as soon as possible…..(as my good friend T’s legendary dad would say) “AH-THANK-YOHH!”

I am still to advise on other ideas for the coming winter months because I am a legend and most definitely thee greatest person at my place of work – no questions asked.  I am even entrusted with the keys to the place now, that’s whassup!!!

Elsewhere in my weird, bizarre and fairly lamentable life which seems to get more and more depressing the more I go to work, I have taken solace in watching more rugby world cup matches. 

New Zealand played the French in what was dubbed to be ‘the most exciting game of the world cup yet’.  It did not disappoint.  The best of the two hemispheres confronted each other as they so often do in the RWC and this time – for the All Blacks it was a grudge match.  In 2007 the French hosts got lucky to knock out the all Blacks (a forward pass leading to a try) gave them a 2 point lead (with the conversion kicked).  Yet another 4 years of hurt.  Allegedly all the NZ fans agonisingly groaned when they realized the French were in their pool.  The French are known as New Zealand’s bogey team – only at the world cup – as they have a history of defeating the All blacks when it mattered. 

Nothing was going to stop the All Blacks, on Richie McCaw’s historic 100^th test match in an All Black jersey, from sealing a win against their French counterparts.  What ensued for the next 80 minutes was sheer rugby beauty, eloquence and a master class at it’s most extreme.  If you have not watched the game yet I strongly recommend it!  It should be an advert for rugby. 

You can see the highlights here. 

Thanks for reading.

Much love,

Jackson L.

update....

Well I have not much to say of late.  I seem to be falling back into some sort of relatively normal semblance of routine again which took a while (following Ramadan).  I now just seem to be going to uni, the gym and work.  

I am prayer my tenure at university is coming to an end as I am getting really bored with it now.  There is not much for me to do at the moment and I can’t keep more atop of things even if I try.  And I have tried!  I am still, much to my anguish, still in the recruitment phase of my research.  It is also, unfortunately, well out of my control as I am offering people – with good incentive too – the chance to be screened and I have managed to get a decent number so far but it is not good enough at the moment for a research title.  Honestly, if you get offered something free of charge, why would you NOT take it?!  GOD!!! 

The gym has been pretty good recently.  Strength is on the up and customers at work have been complimenting me.  I am a jacked muhfucka!  One thing that has been pissing me off royally at the gym is the fact that several children – aged 13 to 16 years as well as adults who pretend to be serious about the gym incessantly talk shit to me!  I have not yet reached my targets to allow me to work on individual muscle groups and also my commitments elsewhere only give me time to go to the gym 4 or 5 times a week.  This means I must do full body workouts and cardio every time I go which means I need at least 3 hours to get through my stuff!  LEAVE ME A-FUCKING-LONE!!!  

Apart for that, I am a total boss in the gym.  Children look up to me and everyone else wishes they were me.  Even the women.  

Work has been good as well.  I have finally developed some strong bonds with some of my workmates – namely a French dude which has started to work there.  He is very French but very kool at the same time.  I know what you are thinking – ‘paradox!!!’  But seriously, he is a top guy.  In addition, a new girl has started who is a graduate from Oxford uni.  She is a real smart cookie with the most beautifully eloquent, posh English accent.  Neither of these people’s personalities offend me and I am able to hold more than just a moderately pleasing, food for thought type, conversation with both of them.  The girl in particular.  The Frenchman and I talk about everything from girls to games to sport.  Real guy stuff!  The girl is exceedingly able to have a deeply intellectual chat about virtually anything.  Thankfully, I can now call these people my work colleagues/comrades as I was losing my mind and silently resenting going to work as everyone else had the most inoffensive, boring, lacking in justified (if any) opinion, shit chat ever!

Things are looking up for the JLQ. 

I found out that my new life idol – Sonny Bill Williams (All Black) is a fellow Muslim.  He decided to convert in 2008 as he was displeased with the direction his life was taking.  I read a lot about his profile and some of the reasons he chose this faith and it was inspiring.  Well done him and I wish him all the best.  Might I add, he is the only person Muslim to ever wear an all Black jersey and to ever play international rugby while pursuing a professional boxing career.  He is awesome.  

In other news, I had a little laugh when reading the metro, as I do every morning, as I found that some retard was using her friend’s facebook pictures to seek revenge because her boyfriend dumped her.  She was using picture’s of her friend’s baby saying that she it was his child.  Sick, twisted bitch.  Of course the powers that be at facebook had nothing to say as they are a bunch of disgraceful wankers.  I am so glad I am without facebook.  Nearly six months to the good!  Yeah.  

Much love,

Jackson L.

....and now for something completely different.

I have been considering taking a year to do something different.  I feel it is time to put my academic career on the backburner for a while so that I can focus on other things that I feel should be done while one is still young.  There are several things I am planning on doing:-

Travelling

Seeing our beautiful world is something everyone who can should try to experience.  There are many wonders to admire, old and new, and I would like to start by voyaging to the Far East.  I will hopefully be looking to travel to China, Thailand, Vietnam and Cambodia for a few weeks.  I find the culture of these far away lands fascinating and I am enthused by their different take on life and attitude towards it too. 

China would be remarkable as it is one of the oldest civilizations in the world and its history and heritage is loaded with many spectacles; from the Terracotta Warriors to the Great Wall of China not to mention the blend of incredibly modern productions that have grabbed media’s attention in recent times showing the seamless might of Chinese engineering and craftsmanship.  Shanghai is, for me, a modern wonder of the world – that skyline – beyond epic. 

Thailand is another area of great interest.  If Thailand was a person attending a party, they would be the heart and soul and so much more of that party.  For a small country it bares majesty in all aspects of its being; history, culture, buildings, wildlife, food and not to mention what most people know it most for – partying.  Full and half moon parties at the beach will be one of the best parties ever. 

Vietnam and Cambodia are countries neighbouring Thailand.  Vietnam still proudly shows remnants of the war with the USA – particularly in Saigon - and the civil war which lead to USA’s involvement.  Although, this may be a depressing reminder to how destructive humans can be; it will be quickly forgotten I’m sure when one sees Ho Chi Minh.  It would also be astonishing to trek through jungle terrain and witness nature at its most extreme. 

Cambodia is a place which was, like too many countries, have been tormented by a tyranic dictator - Pol Pot.  He was a 'leader' who killed nearly 1/5th of his own people and the killing fields can be seen in Phnom Penh.  Torture devices can still be seen in museums in Cambodia today.  Elephant trekking is also a popular activity for tourists.  The main attraction for me would be the imposing temples that were built centuries ago.

All these places would require several weeks of travel but, it would be well worth it.  I am going to try and get my friend, Brian Fox, involved in it. 

Charity

I will also look to do some charity events.  I was involved in a charity event last year where I had to set up a rugby tournament and really get all my rugby contacts to come together to make a day of it.  I set up a sevens tournament where we got 3 rugby pitches, 12 rugby teams and there we had a 7s tournament.  It was great weather; great fun and all the proceeds went towards the Haiti appeal.  We managed to raise nearly £4000.  This has given me the impetus to be a little more charitable as it is easier than people think.  You don’t have to break the bank to be benevolent….you just need to put yourself through hell.  I am looking to run the London marathon in 2012.  It will be grueling and painful and at times boring, though it will be something I could say I have experienced once and maybe never again!  Also, the training for it has not been too bad...so far. 

I would also very much like to cycle from London to Paris.  This is a 5 day trip (4 days of cycling) and it will be a great way to see the deep south of England where you cycle through London as it begins to liven up from what seems like a light snooze very early in the morning then through Kent, the garden of England and through to Dover where we will get our ferry across to Calais and we will then cycle through Northern France where we will see many tranquil villages.  Also, we can stop at the battle ground of the Somme.  It has been described as eerie and unnatural place by those who have done this trip. 

I do hope I get to do these things.  My training for these began months ago when I was told the Marathon was fully booked for this year so I thought –

“Why not start training now?”

Humanitarian

I would very much like to go work in Japan to do some relief work, hopefully in conjunction with the UN of Amnesty International (preferably the latter…everyone seems to work for the UN).  I have been looking online to see if there is any scope for that and for the moment it appears not – for the untrained international anyway.  I was devastated for the Japanese.  They are an intelligent race of humble, kind people and seeing the footage and people breaking down when they found their loved ones missing was distressing for me. 

I certainly hope all goes to plan for my time off trying to fill my brain with information that I will probably not really use. 

Much love,

Jackson L.