He's a dedicated follower of United.

A friend of mine is a Man U fan.  He is the sole reason why I just can’t stand it when that team wins anything.  You can see it in his face that he is a dedicated follower of the ‘Red Devils’.  He has a look of years of substance abuse and he certainly talks like it as well….

I have no idea what brought on his love for a team that is loved by everyone except those who live in Machester and others who just hate that team and everything they stand for.  But, I like to think that as a child his parents were set on punishing him by boring him for ninety minutes.  Fair enough and good parenting you might say but – little did they know that him being a cunt with a shitty addictive personality – their plan back-fired and he became addicted to being bored for ninety minutes and hence watch United on a regular basis.  He seems content to view Rio Ferdinand, Wayne Rooney and another 9 wankers stupefy hordes of otherwise ordinary decent people.  A depraved individual he is. 

Friends becoming concerned called in specialists such as psychologists, therapists and other philanthropists and other professionals with a job title ending in ‘ist’.  Deemed a hopeless case they set up a charity entitled MUA – Manchester United Anonymous.  These meetings are almost as dull as reading Rio Ferdinand’s biography.  Learnng about a grown man’s toilet experiences may be the most mundane, hideous, heinous series of words strung together forming a sentence.  A disastrous waste of ink and paper.  Though it is a cruel necessity as it does help one to recover and journey the road to redemption as being an avid Man U fan can split families, bankrupt one physically and morally and ruin careers. 

My friend has yet to hit rock bottom.  The moment he realises that Man U are not the greatest team to have graced our beautiful planet it will rock his world.  He cannot get into his stubborn, big head that Man U are the reason for all the inhumane atrocities happening in the world today and in history – 2 world wars, famine, pestilence, Gaddafi and Rob Schneider. 

Single, or rather gang, handedly they have managed to kill off football.  They will most certainly kill my friend and it serves him fucking right.  It may be the first and only good thing Man u have done for the good of the land.  Who knows, maybe they will set themselves ablaze and Old Trafford will be raised to the ground.  Wouldn’t that be something?  Yes, it would.  It would be one hell of a story.  Man U have never been known to have ordinary fans or entertain. 

It's that time of year again.

I love this time of year.  I love it because we have finals of different competitions to look forward to.  You may all be fully aware of by now, I’m sure, that Manchester United are playing Barcelona in the Champion’s league final.  This fixture is becoming a regular classic.  This was played out in 2009 when Lionel Messi shredded through to produce 2 goals – one of which was a header scored by the 5”6 frame of Messi! Yeah, riddle me that!!!  It was when I first saw Xavi and Inniesta completely dominate a game of football.  I say first time for me; because it was the first time I had watched Barcelona that season as I was not really that much into football at the time.  They owned the midfield in that game. 

I do not mean to discredit Manchester United’s road to the final and what they have achieved, but I can’t help but think that Barcelona’s journey to Wembley was more difficult – seeing off Arsenal, Shaktar Donetsk and Real Madrid.  I think for Barcelona those were harder games than Man U facing Lyon, Chelsea and Schalke.  Anyway, it matters not, what really matters is that game on the 28^th of May at Wembley stadium.  It will be 90 minutes (maybe more) that will decide who will be the kings of Europe. 

The Heineken Cup – the rugby equivalent of the Champion’s league – will see Northampton Saints take on the mighty Leinster.  This is a tough game to call as both teams have seen off big names in the rugby world but, for the Irish province to defeat Leicester and Toulouse (current champions) to be in the final is a massive advantage for the psychology of that team and for me, they go in being the favourites to win the final.  They also have the experience of being at a European final and winning it before.  The Saints have also defeated big names and thoroughly deserve their opportunity to lift that trophy once again in over a decade.  Putting 23 points past Perpignan – a top flight French team – is no easy feat and I think Northampton Saints should be very pleased with their achievements. 

Both of these teams play with vigour, class and strength.  On their day they are both extremely entertaining to watch, they bring the flare of the French, the skill of the Irish and the strength of the English.  It is a game set up to be a close one.  For my money though, I will put it to Leinster just edging the Saints. 

In other news, Will Smith is working on yet another installment of Men in Black.  The third in this series of ‘I-am-running-out-of-money-and-my-kids-are-just-not-cutting-it-so-I-will-make-a-mediocre-movie’ has caused some New Yorkers who love Will Smith to speak out against the 16 metre long trailer he has been using to accommodate him during his time shooting the film in Manhattan.  This film is out in 2012 and I am already getting in line NOT to go and see it. 

The Apprentice has recently started back up again.  It is slightly different this year as it is not a job that is on offer, it is the opportunity to work as a business partner with ‘Lord’ Sugar as he will be providing a £250000 investment.  Interesting. 

I don’t understand how or why these people who go on do not just watch all the previous series and make a note of all the mistakes.  I have already watched two episodes of this new season and already strongly dislike Melody Hossaini.  She is so full of herself it’s offensive.  I have also seen some candidates pull off the most hysterically stupid business actions.  I have no business acumen whatsoever and I can do better than these stuck up, dick-headed douches.  I wish Lordy Shuggs would invest in me. 

I can’t wait to see the back of that asshole, Melody.  She is so intensely conceited.  I wish she would get to fuck.  Tragically, I know she will get far though because despite her cockiness she has half a brain – compared to the rest of the participants, anyway! 

I wish I was a rich muhfucka so that I can hire people to be my apprentice.  What it would generally entail is being a BIG black dude who lives in the gym and eats everything and hates everyone and has a dull opinion on the stupidest things.  Not many people realise this about big black dudes like myself but, this country was built by us and one of these days we will take everything back!  Things gonna change around here. 

Much love,

Jackson L.

Ramblings continued

I forgot to mention about my weekend when rambling in the early hours of this morning – or late at night….whichever way you choose to view it – I was an accomplice to ruining a birthday outing at the weekend.  It was nothing major on my part as the party of four, me included, all seemed to have a role in corrupting it.  It was a shame to begin with for the girl whose birthday it was as there was supposed to be 10 people attending but 6 pulled out!  I felt bad for her but she was kool about it. 

We began our little adventure in the heart of the west end.  It was a pleasant, charismatic Moroccan place known as Azou.  It was a very intimate place.  Apparently it had been approved by Gordon Ramsey so I was in for a real treat!  Upon our arrival, over half an hour late – because I am SUCH a badass – or due to a punctured car tyre, I found that I was the only dude there.  Well, odds were good for me, right?  Three girls.  Ok, one was my sister and I do not practice incest because I am perfectly sane….or at least I am a normal functioning member of society and no one can prove otherwise!  So that narrows me down to two girls!  Oh, yeah! Sweet!  Well, they are lovely ladies but they are fairly consecrated so I had to respect that.  I still, and at most points throughout the night rather regretted, was just myself.  I feel I had a set myself a comfort zone that should have had slightly more boundaries.  Oh well. 

So we arrived.  We ate our food with next to no mishaps; all except the actual food was extremely hot.  I mean from a temperate point of view not spicy.  I love spicy.  So, we were all eating as if we were deaf people trying to converse.  No disrespect to deaf people but that is just what it looked like.  It was what it was!  Don’t judge me!!!  I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was not the only person who ordered what I like to call a ‘real meal’.  I knew my sister would not let me down either but I found I was in the presence of other carnivores and I was pleased to not have to justify eating meat to a bunch of tree hugging, butt licking hippies.  Having finished my glorious meal, a lamb shank slowly cooked in a thick gravy and vegetables for about 3 hours….meat melted in my mouth, I was asked to finish off everyone else’s meal as well.  Once again I was the token bin.  I was far from complaining in fairness.  Having polished off pretty much all the plates on the table we set off to a bar in East Central.  It was a fair distance away and we had a flat tyre.  It was just recipe for a tragic disaster.  I am too young to die after all.

We ventured around to find a petrol station which would give us air to fill up the tyre.  It quickly became a mission which all of us resented.  After going to the first petrol station with an out of order machine we were given directions to another with a machine which claimed to work where really it just took two of my hard earned pounds for fuck all.  It actually sucked the air out of the tyre rather than blow it in.  Our collective decision was pretty much ‘fuck this!’ and we decided to go and find this bar regardless of a flat tyre or not.  It had been about an hour by this point and being sat in the car that long does things to your mind.  Especially seeing as we had to rely on bullshit radio for entertainment.  As I said I was being myself and I was providing as much entertainment as possible.  It was really good for me as well because I had people laughing to the point of being unable to breathe.  Yes, I am a genius. 

During our drive through all of London to find the bar the birthday girl had chosen (which seemed to not exist) we found a petrol station which had a working air machine.  Problem solved, finally!  Thanks to the London traffic on a Saturday night, it took us a copious amount of time to get anywhere.  I started to get bored very quickly….

Our next step was to find this bar.  We could not.  We wasted about ¾ of a tank of petrol journeying through west London to east London and by this point we were in the car – on what was a humid night at 20 degrees C at around half past ten at night….I was impressed but, A/C was not being worked and I had the cake sitting on my sweltering laps.  It just melted.  I thought it was funny because I did ask for the A/C!  Eventually the birthday girl mentioned that she is going to be picked up in the west end…..to say we were all livid due to this shattering irony will be understating it a little.  We all had a hand in ruining it…

I still had a good night nonetheless.  Birthday girl said she had a great time and she thought it was a memorable night.  I think it is something we all secretly enjoyed as we all had a laugh in the car at one point.  Not to be big headed but I feel that I fueled most of the wit.  Never a dull moment with me except there always is.  We all seemed to enjoy our impromptu tour of London. 

It got me thinking about my birthdays.  I have never really had an epic birthday celebration except my 18^th which was something which wasn’t really planned.  It just happened and I rolled with where ever the night took me.  I always tried to replicate and plan a birthday like that after and quickly gave up.  I can’t stand celebrating my birthday because it always just seems so disappointing.  So, for me, it is just another day where I spend with my nearest and dearest, closest friends from home, BF, family.  Based on what was planned and what came to fruition on Saturday – if this was my birthday I would have probably been a little pissed off.  So I credit and respect the birthday girl for being such a champ about it. 

I do love birthdays.  I just don’t celebrate them well….I guess I don’t see the point of celebrating being even one step closer to your frail old age.  Can’t say not to a present though…and cake…usually cakeSSSSS commemorating the anniversary of my escape from my mother’s amniotic Bastille.   

Much love,

Jackson L.